Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Still here

We are still still here....December is entirely too busy. I can't wait for the weekend after Christmas..we have two whole days of not having to be anywhere or doing anything specific.

Jupiter is in a destructive phase. Her clothes, mostly. She has shredded all of her nylon tights. She got a hole in one pair one day at school and discovered how much fun and how much muscle work she got out of destroying them. The next time she wore nylon tights...ripped them up. She only has her ballet tights left. I told her I wouldn't buy anymore tights. She ripped a pair of jeans at school too. She ripped the sole off a boot. Yesterday she ripped a pair of black leggings.

However, yesterday she was also very lovey. To me. She offered to share her snack with me. She wanted to snuggle at bedtime. She also snuggled with me tonight. She was talking away, then all of a sudden she put her head on the pillow and fell asleep. I'm not sure she meant too...she just couldn't stay awake anymore. She picked up her ceramic unicorn off the shelf yesterday and said that she was giving it to me for Christmas and I should pretend to be surprised.

I figured out that some of her behavior lately is reacting to me, or my inability lately to deescalate things the way I should. I figured out that since my job function changed, I am more drained at the end of the day than I used to be. Not in as good a place when I get home. And not Jupiter's fault at all. And that I need to be conscious of that and leave work feelings at work. Or at least put them away until later. Easier said than done, but easier when I'm consciously aware of it.

Still don't like work. The actual function is getting a little easier as I get more familiar with it. Getting along with the people in my new department isn't going very well. They didn't all get along before I showed up with one other new person....and we all don't get along now. Today I left annoyed with two co-workers and one supervisor. It takes a lot out of anyone when it goes on day after day after day. And at least in loss prevention, it felt like my job mattered. Not so much anymore. I wish I could win the lottery and become independently wealthy and not have to work. But that's not likely to happen, so I guess I'd better learn to deal. Or find a new job. Also easier said than done. I don't want to leave the bank. Not because I like working there, but because I have 11 years of service, four weeks vacation, and a $5000 adoption benefit available to me. These are not things which come easily in today's job market. So I continue to hope for improvement. And at least my liberal PTO allows me enough days and half days off to lessen the stress somewhat.

On Sunday at my mother's cookie party, I was sitting on her couch with my brother's St. Bernard pupply snuggled on one side of me, and Jupiter snuggled on the other side of me, patting the dog. I could have sat like that for hours. Even though it only lasted ten seconds, it was my favorite minute of the week. I think I'll use it at my zen place tomorrow at work.


Lisa said...

We've been through that destructive phase too. Wasn't pretty.

Keep that beautiful thought in your head. Rewind, replay, rewind, replay

Dia por Dia said...

It's destructive phase around here too. Not Hang on to whatever "zen" moments or places you can and ride this out as best you can. Sorry the job thing adds stress-I can totally relate and in my worse moments these days I am grateful that I have had the luxury of being full-time with the kids this past year. Don't know if I could have juggled new job with all our other changes....